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Why Space Sucks — Because it’s a Vacuum

Posted by | December 04, 2014 | No Noose is Good News | No Comments
chukles_space_sucks

I think we can all agree, these heroes that are doing this space stuff on our behalf deserve our gratitude because, and I can’t emphasize this enough — space fucking sucks.

At this point everyone knows that Astronauts are outliers in the best way… And I for one am not going to be first in line signing up because, and again, in my case I am not too proud to admit, if I was ever at 300,000 feet above earth in an airplane seat, you would have to pull the floatation cushion out of my clenched butt cheeks with the jaws of life.

And here is the story of another adrenaline junkie to add to the list of Space heroes.

Seriously though, you have to be pretty damned brave to put yourself through Astronaut school, staying up late nights studying at that whiskey bar from “The Right Stuff”, floating around a huge swimming pool fully dressed in your space puffer. And then bang, you’re shooting off in a space tube, seriously not giving a shit about getting radiation blasts from solar flares or sucked into a black hole or let’s face it the cool but totally scary prospect of finding a huge ancient alien Face on Mars.

Plus there’s the rapid aging from Space exposure… Just look at what happened to this glorious man John Glenn — a certifiable American Hero — after he got back from his trip to this supposedly wonderful “space.” Look at that he hasn’t even pulled off his space suit from his Mars mission, and already he must be like 80 years old (although he still has his youthful energy intact like any eager Millenial.)

John Glenn, a super American space hero, showing the effects of rapid aging upon exiting the spacecraft.

John Glenn, a super American space hero, showing the effects of rapid aging upon exiting the spacecraft.

So, just in case anyone needs a reminder, Space just fricken sucks… it is super cold, there is some lack of oxygen or something. And fucking asteroids, radiation, black holes. Sheesh it is dangerous. It makes you super glad there are those heroes that have gone before to take “Earthies” of home and who actually like being strapped into tiny metal tubes shooting all over the damned place.

So, whether here on Earth, or on a cold hard planet yet to be discovered in Uranus (mandatory Uranus joke) — it’s worth remembering the sacrifice of those that have done this incredibly scary stuff on our behalf, so that you do not need to endure intense blasts of adrenaline coursing through your veins, projectile vomiting, and having to pee in your prototype space suit that doesn’t have the pee-attachment thing working quite right yet.

It was so tragic to hear about the crash of the SpaceShip 2 vehicle and the loss of a brave and extraordinary pioneer, Mike Alsbury. This is devastating news for all of us space junkies. So, let us now take a moment to acknowledge Mike, and all of these brave-as-hell folks we call Astronauts…

Joke Free Zone

Mike Alsbury was a dad and a hero and we care.

Please Donate to Help the Family of Mike Alsbury

About Chukles Johnny

Johnny Chukles is the guy behind the Chukles App -- aka John McMahon. Johnny likes to make software and also write about all the weird stuff he finds out from reading too much internet.

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